My IVF : The Moment of Truth

19 October 2010


12am
Couldn't have a good sleep that night. I was like awoke every 2 hours. Tried not to think so much of the result, but it seems to be automatically popped out of my mind.


6.30am
Today i wore my pink flowery cotton blouse with my khakis skirt (not able to wear my jeans due to my bulging tummy.. hehe), i put on some make-ups.. just want to look nice for our Big Day..

Had our fav breakfast.. half boiled eggs and hot Milo.. watered our plants.. i took a picture of our beautifully bloomed purple morning glory flower.... 
Dunno why.. my feeling that morning.. calm and happy .... lalalalala   :D

9.45am
Once we reached the clinic, the nurse asked us to go into her room to take blood sample for the beta test.
Suddenly, Dr Prashant went into the room with his  blue OT attire ( i guess he must have just finished a procedure). The nurse told him, " They are going to have the beta blood test today".
He smile and said.." Ooh.. beta test. Good luck".
Then I asked him, "What if it is negative?"
He answered, "If it is negative.. don't worry, you have the chance to do the Frozen Embryo Transfer".
Then he continue.. "Why think negative.. try to think it's positive. Wish you the best of luck"
We just smile. He left the room. The nurse then took my blood sample.
She said, the blood test will take about 3 - 4 hours, result will be out estimated around 2pm.
We can go home meanwhile waiting for the result.
She will call for the result. If it is positive, we will need to come back to the clinic to continue medication, but if it is negative, we don't have to come to the clinic....


10.30am
Since our house is a bit far from the clinic....while waiting for the result, we just hang out at the Borders book store@The Garden....which is pretty near to the clinic ..just in case we need to go back to the clinic :).
At Borders,  we headed to the Starbuck which is inside the bookstore.. picked our spot at the sofas area (it's going to be 3-4 hours waiting.. so need a comfortable place to seat), and ordered some drinks (of course we need to at least order something, right..else the cafe staffs would show us their furious look..).
Since they have free wifi, my husband able to remotely did his office work while me did some internet surfing via mobile phone.. checking my blog.. Facebook'ing.. read forums.. and so on... After an hour enjoying our moment at the cafe .. .i felt the need to go to the Ladies.. On my way to the Ladies, when i passed thru the Parenting book section, i paused a moment....did a quick browsing on some pregnancy books...thinking of buying one of the book later.. then continue my way to the Ladies....


11.30am
I was still at the Ladies..... suddenly my phone rang.. no name appeared on the screen.. just a number.. i said to myself, " It can't be the clinic.. it's only 11.30am..the result should be out at around 2pm"..
When I answered the the call...i immediately recognized the nurse voice.
Before she continued talking..I asked her this one simple question," Do i need to go the clinic?". 
She then answered "No, you don't have to come to the clinic".
From her answer, i straight away knew that the result is negative.. sigh ;(
She then said, "We are sorry.. the result is negative..you need to stop all medications..
your period will come in few days time..you can make another appointment to talk to the doctor about the result.. and the discuss on next plan."
...and that's about it.. end of our first IVF journey.. sigh ;(
After the call,, my head suddenly felt a bit dizzy....still in shock i guess..
I slowly walked back to the bookstore.. thinking on how to tell the result to my husband.
When i was passing through the Parenting book section...i paused a moment.. looking at  one of the book at the rack - "My baby journal".. i suddenly feel ..ermm...sad... ;(
When i reached at the cafe.. i slowly told my husband, "The nurse called just now.. result is negative.. lets go home". My husband was like, "Oh...ok".. looked calm and surprised at the same time.. mixed feeling i guess. We just packed our things.. and go home..


Well.. it's just not our day yet..
My conversation with the nurse.. keep playing in my head.. making a continuos loop.. again.. and again. 
Still having those mix feeling ... feeling that "I'm ok with it... i must not give up..must think positive" but deep down inside.. there is still some sadness.. disbelief..  and disappointment.


Until now, i still miss our first IVF journey..
missed the injection and medications... (i'm still keeping those balance of my medications..)
missed the moment of joy when we get 15 eggs for the egg retrieval
missed the moment of relief when we successfully did the embryo transfer
missed the most beautiful moment when i can clearly see our 2 embryos inside my uterus after the transfer  (i should have taken the pix of it.. really regret i forgot to do it ..sigh)
missed the moment when i felt all those pregnancy signs
missed the moment when my period delayed for even 4 days (my period never delay even for a day before this)
missed the moment of my 2 weeks waiting; dont have to think of my work, just lying in front of tv.. enjoying my favorite tv show ;)
and lastly, i really missed the moment when my husband really take a very good care of me during the whole IVF journey (thank you dear @>--- )

Not our day... jams